Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
