i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
