ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
