Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
