I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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