Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
