So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
