I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
