Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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