I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
