Don't make out with my wife yet
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
