My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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