I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
