i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
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My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...