So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
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Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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