hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...