ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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