it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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