Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
