I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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