I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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