do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
