I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My liver just had a heart attack.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
