so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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