actually, I'm a sock model
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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