she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
