Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
