Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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