Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
