If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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