she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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