drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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