I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
