So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
