i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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