living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
