Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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