I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
