in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
