when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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