I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
