I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
