My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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