NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
