There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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