Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
