i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
