You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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