so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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