Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
