Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
