Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
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Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
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I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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