This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
