also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
