Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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