Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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