youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you win again, gameday.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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