Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
