I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
